Love Kernels

While I continue to try to cheer myself up and get over this wretched funk I’ve found myself in (caused by the election, by work, by assorted other shenanigans currently transpiring in my life), I’ve been watching A LOT of “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend”…it just delights me. I can’t help myself. It’s been awhile since a show has brought me this much joy – I swear that the people behind it are living in my brain. Check out this song – “Love Kernels”…if this doesn’t ring true of my life and how stupid I have been, well, I don’t know what would:

Some lyrics, in case you’d like to sing along (you totally should):

“How do I know he loves me? It’s the little things
Little compliments here and there that I secretly stockpile in my woman-brain
I can live for days off a single
(“You really listen to me”)
I’m like a sexy fashion-cactus
Livin’ from compliment to compliment
Hint to hint
Storin’ them in my body through long periods of drought
I may look dry, but if you cut me open you’ll find only water inside
Incidentally that’s also a useful fact for how to survive in the desert
But how do I know he loves me?
I guess the only way to prove it is with abstract symbolism”

(“Those jeans are cute!”)
(“Want some of my smoothie?”)
(“Wait! You should put this pillow under your knees first”)

He gives me love kernels
Each little crumb another tasty clue
Love kernels
‘Cause if you read between the lines he’s sayin’ I love you
Love kernels
Save those kernels up to make a bowl of popcorn
Love kernels
A handful is the proper serving anyway

I know when you say, “I wanna go to Colorado sometime”
It means you’re thinkin’ ’bout the future with me
I know a 3am text means
I was in your dreams before you woke up to pee
(It’s a 3am ‘sup’ text)
And I know you care when you say
“I’m going to a movie tonight, my friend bailed, wanna come?”
It means I’m the most important person in his life
Next to his friend
“But he’s known his friend since he was like five
So that’s saying a lot. Okay rude!”

I’d do anything for those love droplets
Like a hamster in a cage! Slurp slurp
Love droplets
Each a letter on a page in the novel of our love
Love droplets
Fallin’ down from the sky
And when I mix it in with the tears I cry it makes a
Full glass of water
God I’m thirsty after all that popcorn

I’ll be patient
Until the droplets become a river that needs a dam
I’ll be patient
Until the kernels rain down like candy on Shaquille O’Neal
In the movie Kazaam

Whatever you got, baby, I’ll take it, baby
(“What you up to today?”)
I’ll take it
(“Your house smells like lemon”)
I’ll take it
(“Where is my phone?”)
It’s a stretch but I’ll take that too

I’ll take all your love kernels
This video ate up our production budget
Love kernels
We used up literally every cent
Love kernels
Darryl is now played by a broom on a stand
But like your love kernels
We’ll do our best with what we have

None of us should ever accept only kernels of love – we are simply too fabulous for nonsense like that! We should be given entire boatloads of love, an ocean’s worth of affection…all the love, all the time. And we shouldn’t accept anything less. My days of love kernels are done, friends – I hope that yours are, too. 🙂




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