Have you ever misheard song lyrics? I bet you have. I have the most extraordinary talent for this…it’s ridiculous. The good news is that I’m such a total horse’s ass that I don’t mind sharing these with people and poking fun of myself (if you haven’t already noticed from reading my blog – I have NO shame. Zilch. None. I’m kind of fabulous and fun that way. 🙂 ). Sooooo….in the spirit of full disclosure of how completely bat-shit crazy I am – and to make you laugh out loud, friends – here are some of my finer moments. 🙂
Let’s start with my favorite of all….the Bachman Turner Overdrive song “Takin’ Care of Business”. These dudes hail from the same part of Canada that I come from, so we ought to be kindred spirits and on the same wave length, right? Yeah, wrong. I got this one totally messed up, folks. BIG time. I always thought this party rock anthem was an ode to baking…and was called “Baking Carrot Biscuits”. I kid you not. There are moments when even I marvel at my capacity for stupid. Anyway….I thought this for a LONG time. Until I was in high school. Until I went to the same school as Turner’s son for a year. Until I had a conversation with him in the hallway one day about how kick-ass his Dad’s band was. Until I told him how much I LOOOOVED the song about baking. That’s right, friends…I actually said that. To. His. Face. As I said – no shame. Of course he, sensible human being that he was, hadn’t a hot clue what the hell I was on about, so I burst into song. Right there in the hallway. Loud. Baking Carrot Biscuits…Everyday! Bless his heart, he didn’t laugh in my face, but smirked and very politely corrected me…and walked away. I’m sure he scooted around the corner and laid a friggin’ egg laughing, but…at least he was a gentleman to my face. How humiliating. To this day, whenever I’m busy doing stuff and getting things done – if someone asks what I’m up to, I will reply with a simple “You know, baking carrot biscuits”…because I’m classy like that.
Now…up next on my hit parade. Let’s talk about Walter. Do you know Walter? I’m sure you do…he’s the fire-engine guy. If you – like me – had misheard the song “Smoke on the Water” (by Deep Purple) and figured it was about some poor fireman dude named Walter who had a speech impediment. That’s right, I thought “Smoke on the water…and fire in the sky” was “Slow-talking Walter…the fire-engine guy”. What the hell was I thinking? I really have no idea. I finally got this one correct when I started singing along to it at a party in university, getting right into it and shaking my arse to that sizzling guitar riff at the beginning…and everyone laughed at me. You’d think I would learn not to sing in public. Again – no shame.
Continuing on with my parade of class….I screwed up some of the obvious ones, like everybody else did. You know, Creedence Clearwater Revival’s “Bathroom On The Right” (AKA Bad Moon On The Rise for those that care about getting these things correct), Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer” (I was just as shocked as you were, I’m sure, to discover that this song was NOT about Tony Danza…who knew???), and most of the lyrics to Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit” (who didn’t think that song was completely and utterly differently worded than it really was?). Speaking of that song…be sure to check out this misheard version of it (it could have been written by me, actually…I thought the whole “steakhouse” thing, too):
Are you familiar with The Beatles song “And I Love Her”? I love that song…except that I thought it made a reference to pooping (I know…so gross. Sorry.) The lyrics go “And if you saw my love, You’d love her too” – but dumbass me thought it was “And if you saw my love, You’d number two”. I know, I know….I’m just ridiculous. Thankfully, I figured that one out on my own, but not before I sang it out loud in front of friends a whole bunch of times. Three cheers for the fact that they weren’t avid Beatles fans! 🙂
This next giant act of stupidity belongs to my oldest, bestest girlfriend from at home in Canada (I’m not mentioning her name in an attempt to preserve her dignity…but if you know me in real life, be sure to ask me who it is if you haven’t already figured it out!). We were listening to 580CKY Good Time Oldies (GTO, baby) radio out of Winnipeg one day when she started singing along with the song that was on. She stopped herself mid-verse and said, “You know, this is SUCH a stupid song. Who writes a song about fabric? What the hell?” I looked at her in shock and bewilderment, because the song on the radio was Aretha Franklin’s “Respect”, which is most definitely NOT a song about textiles. I asked her, “What you talkin’ ’bout, Willis?” (as I said before…that’s me, always classy) – and her response was one of the best things I’ve EVER heard. “You know….POLYESTER-ECT! Find out what it means to me! What the hell is this STUPID song about???!” Once I stopped snorting and laughing all over the place, I very calmly and sweetly (and yes, perhaps a wee bit sarcastically) explained to her that it was actually “R-E-S-P-E-C-T”, not “POLYESTER-ECT” – she took it like a champ, though…informing me that those lyrics made a hell of a lot more sense than that shit she had thought about fabric. God I love that girl 🙂
I found this video on YouTube of what is obviously a long-lost relative of mine…someone else who has a zest for screwing up song lyrics and singing those suckers loud and proud. Check out his video – and laugh along with me at him and his “Can’t stand Gravy” instead of “Constant Craving”. I LOVE that one…wish I’d misheard it! 😉
This is just the tip of the iceberg…believe me when I tell you that there are TONS more. I won’t share them all with you now because I don’t want you to think badly of me (or think that I’m depriving a village somewhere of its idiot)..but I’m sure they’ll trickle out over time, so stick around. If you have any good ones, please share them with me in the comments – I always love a good giggle…plus I would LOVE to know that I’m not the only one!!! 🙂 Happy day to you, my friends! 🙂
PS: A little bonus because I love you: in the Wheatus hit “Teenage Dirtbag” (best video, btw), the line goes “Oh, how she rocks, in Keds and tube socks” – and I thought it was “Oh, how she rocks, in kittens and socks” – I was just corrected on this one. Last week. No shit. 😦