Insensitive

This Jann Arden song is one of my favorites of all time – let’s give it a listen, okay? I will post the lyrics under the video, in the event you feel like singing along:

How do you cool your lips, after a summer’s kiss?
How do you rid the sweat, after the body bliss?
How do you turn your eyes, from the romantic glare?
How do you block the sound of a voice
You’d know anywhere?

Oh, I really should’ve known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes, your casual goodbyes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face that told me
Maybe you might have some advice to give
On how to be insensitive
Insensitive
Insensitive

How do you numb your skin, after the warmest touch?
How do you slow your blood, after the body rush?
How do you free your soul, after you’ve found a friend?
How do you teach your heart it’s a crime to fall in love again?

Oh, you probably won’t remember me
It’s probably ancient history
I’m one of the chosen few
Who went ahead and fell for you
I’m out of vogue, I’m out of touch
I fell too fast, I feel too much

I thought that you might have some advice to give
On how to be insensitive

Oh, I really should’ve known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes, your casual goodbyes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face that told me
Maybe you might have some advice to give
On how to be insensitive

 

This friggin’ song just kills me, you know that? I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard it (it’s a very, very high number) – yet the feels come back every.single.time. Like clockwork. This is me – I’m not cool, I fall too fast into all sorts of situations, and oh lord do I ever feel too many feels…and I find myself hurt by the insensitivity of others. People can make an offhanded remark to me, and those words will cut me to my very core – which is ridiculous. I should never let someone else have the power to influence me like that – yet, it happens all the damn time. So many people will make you feel bad about this – “Get a thicker skin!”, “Toughen up!”….I don’t get it. Why do I have to be the one to change? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t they perhaps learn to choose their words more carefully and stop being mean? Can’t we each change a bit and find a happy medium? Let’s start with what I need to work on – here’s an article entitled “How to Overcome Emotional Sensitivity“:

 

How To Overcome Emotional Sensitivity
BY AMY MORIN

Highly sensitive people tend to get their feelings hurt easily. Their fear of failure may make them less likely to take risks, and their heightened emotions may cause relationship problems. If you’re a highly sensitive person, take these six steps to overcome your emotional sensitivity.

1. What Am I Feeling?
Identifying your real feelings is an important first step in overcoming emotional sensitivity. Determine whether you are feeling disappointed, sad, angry, or something else. Once you have clearly labeled the emotion, you can begin to uncover the reasons you feel this way and what you can do about it.


2. Why Do I Feel This Way?
Ask yourself why you feel the way you do. For example, did you have high expectations for how something would turn out and then became upset when it didn’t turn out the way you wanted? Or did someone say something to you that you found offensive?

Identify exactly what caused you to feel sensitive and why it made you feel that way. Often, unmet needs and unmet expectations lead to hurt feelings.

3. What Would I Say To My Friend Who Had This Problem?
Most people are much kinder to others than they are themselves. Ask yourself what you would say if your best friend approached you with a similar issue. If you’re blaming yourself or exaggerating how bad a situation is, it can be helpful to listen to the sound advice you would offer a friend.

For example, if you find yourself thinking, “No one at work likes me,” ask what you would say to your friend who came to you with that problem. It’s likely you might say something such as, “I’m sure some people at the office do like you. Just because you didn’t get approval for that project doesn’t mean everyone at the office dislikes you.” Then, use those kind words on yourself.

4. Should I Address This Or Let It Go?
Determine if the situation needs to be addressed, or if you are better off to let it go. If your feelings are seriously hurt by a good friend or close family member, not addressing it can lead to anger and resentment. In those cases, you may need to talk to the person in a calm, diplomatic manner to clear the air.

There may be other times when you discover that you are best to just let things go. If you felt slighted by a co-worker or annoyed that a friend didn’t call you, you may be able to recognize that bringing it up may make things worse. Instead, you can decide to let go of your hurt feelings.

5. What Can I Tell Myself To Feel Better?
Highly sensitive people tend to be hard on themselves and others. Changing the way you think about a situation can change the way you feel. For example, if your thoughts are focused on how unfair your boss is or how mean your sister is, you’re likely going to continue to feel bad.

However, replacing those thoughts with healthier, more balanced thoughts, can help you feel better. Try reminding yourself that everyone makes mistakes and accept the fact that others will hurt your feelings at times.

6. What Can I Do To Feel Better?
Changing your behavior can also change how you feel. Try doing something positive that will help you feel better. Practice coping skills such as going for a walk, calling a friend, or participating in a hobby. Doing something enjoyable can get your mind off things.

Once you feel better, it may be easier to look at the situation another way. When you’re calm, you may be able to see that your mother didn’t set out to hurt your feelings on purpose or that you aren’t at fault for an issue at work. Taking a break from the problem can give you much-needed perspective.

This is good stuff, friends! I get disappointed when people don’t behave the way I hope they would…even if I haven’t taken the time to clearly express how I want them to behave! That’s on me! I need to do a better job of expressing what I want and need – and then, if they still don’t treat me the way I expect to be treated, then I need to examine whether or not I really need them around at all. As well, I am the queen of not addressing things – I can usually get over most stuff pretty quickly, so I try to just let things go rather than confront the situation. For example, just this week, someone offended me with their words (I have a tremendous sense of justice inside me regarding rudeness – if I feel that someone has been rude, I have a difficult time moving past that), so I became quiet and withdrawn, waiting for my upset to pass (rather than calling them out). I guess they noticed my silence (apparently I am rarely silent?) and decided to ask me about it. In a text. By saying, “U seemed to have had an attitude with me today.” Entirely the wrong thing to say to me – I find that statement highly rude. Instead of asking, “Hey, are you okay? You seemed upset, is everything alright?” they resorted to a volatile, blaming phrase like this – I didn’t take that very well. However, as I said, I can get over most things pretty quickly, so…I move on – but I never forget.

I guess I am just a really sensitive soul – and there’s nothing wrong with that. I read an article with Winona Ryder recently that quoted her as saying, “I’m so sick of people shaming women for being sensitive or vulnerable. It’s so bizarre to me.” Preach that truth, Winona. I’m sick of being told to toughen up. I’m sick of being told that things are always my fault, I’m too sensitive, or I have an attitude. I’m sick of the world not taking responsibility for the things that it says and does. I can admit that I am very sensitive – but I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing. Why can’t everyone else admit that they are just sometimes insensitive and thoughtless? And why can’t we all just meet each other half way and get along???

xxx

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