Freedom

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Did you happen to see “Girls” on HBO on Sunday night? It was a Marnie-centric episode, which would normally find me rolling my eyes A LOT and checking the time to see if it was over – not this one. The episode began with Marnie and Desi, the human douchecanoe that she married, in their apartment in yet another argument. She leaves for the day…and runs in to Charlie, her first love, the man she used to date who cast her aside when he realized what an opportunistic shrew she was being. Marnie and Charlie end up spending time together, they go to a fancy party briefly (where Charlie is selling drugs apparently and Marnie gets mistaken for a prostitute – a mistake that earns her $600…man how these characters have changed), they steal a boat and go for a paddle in Central Park, they end up making out, then getting robbed, then bonking at his apartment, then deciding to run away together. It’s an action-filled episode, let me tell you! However, it ends when Marnie discovers that Charlie has IV drug paraphernalia on him…and she leaves. She reappears at her apartment, has a confrontation with Desi, and tells him – very plainly – that she doesn’t want to be married to him. Just like that. The things that she says to him are so brilliant – in this week’s episode, she was the very best Marnie that she’s ever been…and I don’t generally say shit like that. She told him that she never should have married him in the first place, but that she “didn’t want to give up on yet another dream”. Isn’t that just the most truthful thing ever? I can certainly relate…I keep doing all sorts of shit that I DO NOT WANT TO DO, simply because I don’t want to give up the dream, the possibility of having my own happily-ever-after. I’m beginning to think that these dreams are highly overrated. She talked about needing time to find herself and figure things out – she told Desi that she didn’t know who she was anymore, that she was just a ghost of herself. That was so profound to me, as I think that I feel that very same way a lot of the time, a shadow of the girl that I used to be. I guess I’m like Marnie (a sentence I never thought I’d type, as I generally think that Marnie is pretty much the worst) – I need to figure out who I am, because I sometimes don’t know who that is anymore. When Marnie was at Charlie’s, she met a woman who was griping about a scrap she’d had with her girlfriend, and she said, “Why is everybody such a f*#&ing disappointment? I can’t have one more fantasy busted open….I swear to God, I can’t take it”. This. Is. Me. I frequently feel disappointed by the people around me, as if they come nowhere near to acting the way that I expect (wish/hope) them to…and I just don’t know how to deal with having one more failure, and one more failed personal relationship in my life. I guess the mistake that I am making is that I expect too much of people – I need to adopt the idea that if you expect nothing, then you will never be disappointed and everything that comes your way will be a gift….but I haven’t a clue how to get my mindset there.  I sometimes think that I am Teflon…nothing (and nobody) seems to stick with(to) me. But, oh, how I wish that it/they would.

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See that picture right there? Me, too, Marnie….me, too.

xxx

 

PS: Just as an aside…I love that “Girls” flirted with the idea of the magical first love, and what that person will always mean to you. I remember my first love with such fondness (it’s his birthday today, actually), and I smile every time I think of him. That’s a good memory to have. 🙂

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