Don’t Fall in Love With a Dreamer

This morning, I woke up at 4:56am, my usual time (gross, I know), to find a piece of paper and a pen on my bedside table. I had not had those there at night time – I guess I had taken a stroll in the night (which is frightening as HELL), and decided to do some writing…this is what I found:

May I ask you a question? I would like a real answer, please – not a smartass one. I like to wear hats – especially berets. Can you please tell me what is wrong with me? Where is the cat? Did you feed her? Am I so hideously ugly? I know I’m not stupid, so it can’t be that…am I a know-it-all? Cats are girls and dogs are boys. A straight-up bitch? Bad at conversation? Socially awkward? Pickles are good. Am I no fun to be around? Too _________? What is it? I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting on the past year in my life, the ups and downs I’ve gone through with the people around me…and the common element in all of this is ME. I can’t find my right shoe. I am clearly the problem. I really like pickles, and pickle juice will clear up a hangover and any constipation issues you may have. There’s something wrong with me, I am the problem – but I can’t fix what I am not aware of. What’s your name? I’m Slim Shady. Will you please tell me? Sheep are nice, too.

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Isn’t that hilarious????! Clearly, the part of my brain that has been reflecting on the things that I seem to be doing wrong with the people around me wanted to talk about those issues…yet, I couldn’t stop talking about pickles, hats, animals, and my alias as white rapper Eminem. What the hell is that???! So. Funny. Constipation even made the scene – it’s just too funny. DISCLAIMER: I have NO idea if pickle juice will help with constipation at all. Just FYI.

 

I have been thinking about all of this lately, and how I seem to find myself in skirmishes over and over again…and the only constant in all of this is me. I must be part of the problem – which is not what I want. I know that I am abrasive, too direct, needy yet too independent for most people to put up with, and a host of other faults…but I can’t be that bad, can I? Surely there are worse people walking around this world and not having one tenth of the troubles and stresses that I do….so I have to figure this one out. Read this article with me:

You have bad luck. You keep getting fired, you never get the good projects, or you have really warped coworkers. Or maybe–just maybe–it’s not them, it’s you. Here are 5 ways to tell if you’re the problem.

You have had multiple micro-managing bosses.
We all know that micro-managing bosses exist. But, if you’ve had two or three in a row, there’s a real possibility that they aren’t so much micro-managers as they are managers who recognize that you need to be micro-managed. Some employees don’t know how to get from step A to Step E without a manager spelling how exactly how to do B, C, and D. 
Some employees are sloppy with their work. Formatting is unprofessional. Typos. Important questions are left unanswered.

You Get Punished For Behavior Your Coworkers Get Away With
If you show up for work 15 minutes late, the boss reams you out, but if your coworker gets in 20 minutes later than you do, no one says anything to her. Sometimes that’s an example of managers playing favorites, but sometimes it’s an example that the employee is clueless as to the effects of her actions. 
If your job is to answer phones, or you play a critical role in a group project, it matters when you show up at the office. If, on the other hand, you work independently, have few meetings, and consistently get your work done before the deadline, your manager is less likely to care when you show up.

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Your Coworkers Never Want to Eat Lunch with You

Yes, the office can sometimes have “mean girls” who will pick on people and purposely exclude them. But, if it’s not just the “cool” people that are not inviting you, but that no one is, and furthermore, when you invite people to go with you, there is hesitance or just flat out nos, then you might be the problem.
Do you have a bad sense of timing?
Are you a restaurant complainer?
Do you “order expensive” and then split the check evenly?
Are you a whiner?
Are you a bit gross? 


You Had Multiple Run Ins With Different Racists/Sexists/Ageists
We all know that these people exist, but it’s not ever-present. If you’re constantly encountering people who are treating you poorly because of your race, gender, age, or other characteristic, it may well be that you’re perceiving something that isn’t there.

Sometimes people are jerks. Sometimes you’re getting “picked on” because you’re a low performer. Sometimes people mean no offense when they say things.

Everyone You Work With Is Really Stupid
Your boss is an idiot. His boss is an idiot. Your coworkers are dumb as rocks. And, we won’t even talk about the completely incompetent HR department. 
Now, there’s a really good chance that you’ll work with one or two people who are dumber than a box of hair. But, if everyone is, you may need to rethink your definition of stupid. Are you defining these people as incompetent because they disagree with you? It may well be that they just disagree with you.

Are you defining them as not so bright because they don’t understand what you are saying? Is it possible that you are not a good communicator? Is it possible that you don’t understand what they are saying, and not the other way around?

Whenever there is a problem at work, you need to look at the possibility that the world isn’t out to get you–that you just may be the person who needs to change.

 

This is funny (especially the “Are you a bit gross?” question – heehee! I hope I’m not!!!) – but there’s really something to it. I’ve not suffered with micro-managers over the years as much as I have struggled with bosses who act jealously towards me…and it drives me nuts. They should sit back and relish the fact that they have a competent employee, instead of worrying about what I’m doing so much. I haven’t had a lot of punishment at work for the things that I’ve done (knock on wood), but I sure as hell get punished enough in my real life! I eat lunch with the same people every day – they don’t seem to mind me, even if I am a bit gross. 😉 Over the years, I’ve met MANY sexist/racist/assorted other -ists, but I just keep my head down and do me – their behavior says more about them than it does about me! The last point about stupid people, though…this article might be on to something. I find that so many (too many) people that I encounter in a day are kinda stupid, and it frustrates me and causes me to probably act like a bitch – so…I need to work on that. Hmm.

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This article relates to being the problem in the work place, but I think that many of the same ideas can be applied to your personal life, as well. Let’s look at this article on 10 Reasons Relationships Fail:
All couples face problems in their relationship, but not all problems lead to breaking up. Relationship fail for different reasons; the key is to figure out how to solve the problems in yours.

Here’s what Fredrich Nietzsche said about unhappy marriages: “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.”  If you’re not treating your partner like a friend (with respect, love, generosity, honesty, acceptance, unselfishness, etc), then you’re weakening the foundation of your relationship.

10 Reasons Relationships Fail
The source of these problems for couples is Human Sexuality by Roger Hock – yes, it’s a boring title, but it’s got some fantastic insights into romantic relationships. It’s not just about sex, it’s about how couples communicate.

1. Broken promises, lying, cheating, stealing. These violations of trust almost always result in relationship problems, and is an obvious reasons a relationship fails. If the basic trust in a love relationship is repeatedly broken, problems accumulate and the motivation to stay together decreases. Couples in loving relationships can learn to reconcile their differences – and even survive a physical or emotional affair without anger or bitterness.

2. Imbalance of power in relationships. Couples may be more likely to break up when one partner has more decision-making power than the other. When one person makes all the decisions about activities, friends, financial matters, household matters, and vacations, the relationship isn’t balanced or loving, and quickly becomes unstable. Both partners should equally share the decision-making power.

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3. Acceptance of stereotypes in relationships. This was once a more common reason relationships failed, but it still exists today! Mistaken gender myths include beliefs such as “Men should earn more money than women” or “Women should stay at home and raise the kids.” If couples believe these stereotypes, they create false expectations that can lead to splitting up.

4. Isolation from friends and family. This reason for splitting up is based on fear and insecurity; new couples may isolate themselves from other people because they’re “in love and want to be together.” A brief period of cocooning is normal for many couples, but it’s far healthier to interact with other people regularly.

5. Lack of self-knowledge for couples. If one or both partners aren’t in tune with their own interests, needs, desires, future plans, goals, values, and preferences, then it’s difficult for them to build a better marriage or healthy love relationship. Self-knowledge helps partners communicate who they are and what they want in a relationship, which can prevent problems.

6. Low self-esteem, insecurity, and lack of self-confidence. Relationships fail because one partner feels unworthy of being loved. This insecurity can lead to possessiveness and dependence, which isn’t healthy for either partner in the love relationship. Couples break up because of insecurity and jealousy.

7. Excessive jealousy – one of the most common reasons relationships fail . “Jealousy is cited as one of the most frequent causes of the breakup of romantic relationships,” writes Hock. Delusional jealousy can trigger abuse and violence, which can (and should) be why a couple breaks up! Delusional jealousy isn’t as common as “normal” jealousy, but both can cause serious relationship problems.

8. Ineffective communication. Both partners need to be able to share their thoughts, feelings, opinions, values, needs, frustrations, and joys. Sometimes couples avoid speaking honestly and hide their true selves, which may not always lead to a break up…but it doesn’t strengthen their bond!

9. Control issues. If one partner is trying to control or manipulate the other, the relationship can become weak or destructive. Controlling behaviors include checking up on the partner, name-calling, threatening the partner, requiring the partner to check in all the time, or not allowing any deviations from the schedule. These signs of obsessive love may not cause the couple to break up, but it is a sign of an unhealthy relationship.

10. Unhealthy physical behavior – which shouldn’t be part of a love relationship! This is an obvious relationship problem that should lead to an immediate break up! Physical, intimate, and emotional abuse are attempts to gain total control over a partner. Though relationships like this should end immediately, couples stay together stay for various reasons.

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See? This list is goooooood – I can relate to these things. I’ve either done some of them myself, or I have had them done to me. It’s interesting to think about – relationships are things that so many seem to take for granted, they move through life involved in them absolutely effortlessly….while others (like me) just can’t seem to get it together. Fascinating!

Tell me what you think about these things, friends…is it ever you? Probably not, because you’re awesome….plus, it’s ALWAYS me! 😉

xxx

 

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