I hate feeling jealous. I hate the fact that somebody else has something that I don’t (but that I apparently want badly enough to feel the feels), and I hate feeling resentment towards other people. Life is too damn short, friends. However, I feel jealous of other people all the damn time – and I’ve got to work on this. How do you handle the green-eyed monster?
I am a regular reader of Gala Darling’s site, and I like (and agree with) a lot of what she has to say. She recently posted about the common phenomenon of women not feeling happy for other women – which is somethat I find troubling. I know that there have been times when others have shared their good news with me and I have been anything but happy….which is very shitty of me. I should never begrudge someone else’s joy simply because that particular ship hasn’t come in for me – how small-minded and petty of me. Ick. I know better. Read what Gala said about this:
I’ve been thinking a lot about business frenemies. There are a lot of people who seem to be on your team on an everyday basis, but when things get really good, it’s fascinating to see how things unravel.
One of the easiest frenemy tests is to see how people respond when you tell them some amazing news. It’s not just whether they are happy for you or not. Their response can be one of four categories: passive destructive (they ignore the news), active destructive (they diminish the news), passive constructive (they acknowledge the news half-heartedly), or active constructive (they engage wholeheartedly). It’s a fascinating topic.
Feeling jealous or envious of another woman’s success is an indication of your subconscious beliefs. If you feel slighted when someone else does well, that shows that you have a mindset of scarcity. You believe that if she is successful, you can’t be. It indicates that you think there is not enough money, opportunity, customers, love, or attention to go around.
I believe the opposite. I believe that when my sister succeeds, knocks it out of the park, or has a massive professional triumph, that lifts all of us higher!
Jealousy can be a gift: it shows us what we want from our own lives. Sometimes what we want is buried so far beneath the surface that jealousy is the only thing that coaxes it out. Let’s be real though — jealousy never feels like a gift. It feels like hell. And it doesn’t just feel bad: it keeps us stuck.
Obsessing over what someone else is doing is a distraction. You can’t move your own life forward when you’re constantly looking over your shoulder to see what everyone else is up to. In order to change your life and move dramatically onward, you need to enlist laser focus and stay on your grind!
Society tells us to be in constant competition with each other. Who’s skinniest? Who’s wealthiest? Who’s got a more perfect-looking life? None of that stuff matters. While we’re busy squabbling amongst ourselves, we’re still earning 70 cents to every dollar a man gets for the same work. Let’s not kid ourselves: we have bigger problems than who can fit into a smaller dress size.
As I say in my book…
“We are constantly being taught to see women as competition, rather than people who need you and can make your life better. Make the mental leap, and fuck the status quo! We are so much more powerful when we’re together!” — Radical Self Love: A Guide to Loving Yourself and Living Your Dream
The key to getting unstuck in your own life is to learn how to become wildly excited for your friend’s success. Recognise that there is no lack, no scarcity: if she can do it, so can you! Use your jealousy and see what it’s telling you. Ask yourself what you can learn from what your friend did. Success is never about “luck”: it’s a result of knowledge and concerted effort. Those things are totally within reach!
When you can be happy when you see other women who are slaying it, you know that you’re on the right track.
Remember, too, that you never know exactly what is going on in someone’s life. They may be getting married but their career is a wreck; their mother might be terminally ill; they may be dealing with a crisis of faith underneath that perfectly-applied red lipstick.
Have compassion for others as well as for yourself. You are exactly where you need to be, right in this moment. Accept all of that, and recommit yourself to your dreams!
I love you (and I’m cheering for you!)
I really really love this: Jealousy can be a gift: it shows us what we want from our own lives. This is so profound I can hardly stand it…it’s one of those things that hit me like a ton of bricks. If this is the case, then here are the things that I want: a happy and fulfilling relationship, more time with my Wee One, more time away from work to do the things that I enjoy doing…and just more pleasure and happiness in my life. I guess it all comes down to this simple idea: I want more of what I want to do, and less of what I have to do. Pretty simple, yes? These are the things that I envy in other people – those who have nothing but time to do what they fancy, those who have every day of their life surrounded by people who love them…that’s what I want. I mostly feel happy for the joy of others these days, but…I have the odd moment where I am left thinking, ‘Why them? Why not me?’ I should be thinking, ‘Why not them! Maybe someday me!’ and be happy about their success, instead of wondering when it will be my turn. Because it will, you know…someday it will be my turn to get all of those things that I want most out of life. Someday. 🙂