Some folks operate on a completely different frequency from most everyone else around them, they just don’t connect with the masses…and I believe that I am one of those people. I don’t think like most others do, I don’t do the same kinds of things as other people are inclined to do…I’m just basically an odd duck. I have tried to do a better job of fitting in with the world around me, but the results of these efforts have been bloody disastrous, not to mention more than a lot comical. I guess I was just born to stand out – and not fit in.
I have come to accept this, and most of the time I revel in my weirdness. I am flattered when someone comments on the odd uniqueness of me, and if I was to be called boring, I would probably weep real tears. However, I have come to realize that while I may think this is an awesome way to be, it is not awesome even a smidge to have to try to deal with me. The people around me have had to put up with a lot of shit from me over the years, and….well, that’s probably not fair. I’m not entirely sure why this has come to my attention recently, but it has. I feel like I should contact everyone I’ve ever known, everyone I’ve ever dated (now there’s a list), everyone I’ve ever worked with, and try to make amends, AA-style. I need to somehow tell them that I’m sorry that I’ve been strange, odd, and difficult to tolerate. I need to apologize and acknowledge that my quest to find my best self has interfered/wreaked havoc on their existence…and I need to say sorry for that. I don’t really know the way to fix all of this, but believe me, I would sure like to. I know some very kind people, it seems….and they all put up with me. Angels, every single one of them – thank goodness I found them at just the right time.
Speaking of time….so much of life and your success in it comes from timing. I have notoriously BAD timing….no joke. If there was to be a super-great life opportunity about to happen, I would show up when it was over…not because I’m not punctual (because I totally am), but because that is just me. My timing is almost never right. I have struck gold with this issue the odd time – I had my daughter at the perfect point in my life, and she has been the most beautiful gift every day of her nearly 9 years. I happened to be at exactly the right place (working next door to my dream school) at exactly the right time, and I fell into this AMAZING position that I am in now. That was really fantastic timing….but that is the exception, not the rule. I’m the kind of person that meets someone that they can really connect with, and maybe have some sort of a kick-ass relationship and life with…..when the person is either married to someone else or freshly out of a previous relationship and is rebounding more than a bloody basketball. I hate that kind of stuff, and wish that I could do something different to change it, but…I really don’t know that any of us can change circumstance and chance, can we? I have really worked hard on adopting an attitude of gratitude, and embracing the idea that at least something really great came along….even if the timing wasn’t quite there. I’m grateful for the opportunity. 🙂
My outlook on things is kind of weird, too. I was talking with someone recently, and an interesting idea came up – I made the statement that if someone said that they didn’t want me, I would leave and go away, and never bother them again. The person that I was speaking to called me cold, and heartless…and I can certainly understand that perception. However, I see it in a completely different way – I went on to explain that I absolutely will not stay somewhere that I am not wanted, and that I have way too much self-respect to consider begging someone to stay with me, so…I will move on, comfortable in the knowledge that they will be damn sorry to have lost me. My conversation companion continued to stare at me like I had grown a second head (which would be super-cool, btw) – I asked if I had said something wrong, and was told that I hadn’t, but that I possessed a very different way of looking at things. This is not the first time I’ve heard that, and it won’t be the last, I’m sure. I often wonder what it’d be like to see the world the way everyone else does. It’d be easier, of this I have no doubt….
How do you see the world, my friends? Is your glass half-full or half-empty? Mine is generally half-full…with plenty of room for more vodka! 😉 I talk about this idea of being different with my little one all the time…she fluctuates between wanting to fit in with the masses in her elementary school, marching to the beat of her own drum, and letting her tiny freak flag fly any old time she pleases. I’ve worked in Education long enough to know the vital importance of acceptance from one’s peers during the tumultuous adolescent years, but I so hope that she holds on to some of that uniqueness, that vibrant personality that is coursing through her veins. Those are the things that make her sparkle…and what could be better than that? 🙂