It’s Friday now, which means back to work on Monday. While I’ve not done anything terribly big or exciting this week, I do believe that what I’ve done was precisely what I needed – I spent a lot of time at home (which was glorious), I smothered my child with love, hugs and kisses (which is guaranteed to cure almost anything that ails you), and I took time to reflect on some things that have been weighing heavily on my mind recently. For starters, I’m meant to be having arm surgery in December, and I’ve decided not to go ahead with it for now. This operation has been on the books since the summer, but I’ve kept putting it off and putting it off…which is so unlike me. I have such an awful feeling about the whole damn thing – I think about it, I start to panic, my breathing quickens, and I break out in a cold sweat. It’s stupid. I’ve endured 14 operations on my arm (14!!!!), as well as three other surgical procedures, so I should be cool with the whole process. But I’m not, not even a little bit. On Monday night, I woke up at 2:10am, hyperventilating about the whole thing, and I never made it back to sleep. I was overwhelmed with feelings of fear, and dread…and it’s just not worth it. I will suck it up and deal with the pain that I suffer from every day, and get the work done when I just can’t take it anymore. Maybe I will feel better about it then – but for now, it’s a no go. Once I came to that conclusion on Tuesday, I felt considerably better, and the rest of the week has passed with somewhat less stress. Bonus!
Ive been considering a number of other things, as well. I know that I’m a bit of a pain in the ass as far as it goes – I always quote Mindy Kaling when I say, “I’m a handful, I’m not for everyone”. However, I’m learning (at the ripe old age of 40) that my days of settling and accepting things that I’m not comfortable with are done. I have quit saying yes to things that I don’t want to do, and I am actively working on not spending time with people whose company I don’t particularly enjoy. I have noticed lately how very ill-mannered some people around me are – and, while in the past I may have turned a blind eye and just ignored it – I’m done with that, too. I don’t wish to spend time around people who can’t be polite and gracious – not interested. Instead, I want to surround myself with people I enjoy, people with whom I have common interests, and enjoy some good, solid conversation. I don’t want to work so hard on relationships with people around me anymore – life is a two way street, it’s not all me and my efforts. I know that, as a natural planner, I often tend to take the lead with people, but I don’t want to do that anymore. It’s annoying, frankly. I hsve spent most of my adult working life telling kids (and adults) what to do – I don’t want to social direct the lives of people around me. Screw that. It’s time for a more laid back approach – I can’t wait to give it a try! 🙂
Anyway, I’m planning to enjoy my final few days at home – run a few errands, take care of some stuff around here, and get myself ready for the three week sprint to Christmas vacation. I’m going to continue my couch sitting/movie watching binge that’s been going on all week (and it’s been bloody fantastic), and I’m going to nap like it was an Olympic sport and I’m going for the gold.
It’s going to be GREAT. 🙂