I’m An A*!hole

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Comedian Dennis Leary does a song called ‘I’m An Asshole‘, which, based upon my current behavior, I ought to consider adopting as my theme song. I’m not entirely sure what my problem is lately – actually, it would probably be more accurate to say that I have no idea where to start with listing all of my problems these days – but someone had best appear from the sky and deliver one mutha of a cosmic kick to my arse, because I’ve been a real jerk lately. 
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For example, apparently I’ve regressed to child spoiled brat stage, because I’ve taken to demanding to be the center of attention at all times from those around me (not exactly a new thing, I know…but it has gotten worse lately)…which is pretty dumb of me. It doesn’t seem to matter how much attention I do get, I always want more. Shame on me. I know better, I promise I do. I’m not sure what’s going on and why I’m doing this, but…I do know it has to stop. And quick. As I’m doing stupid things and acting like an idiot, I’m aware of what I’m doing, but I feel powerless to stop. It’s almost like I know that I’m making situations worse, but I can’t help myself. It’s gross. 😦
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I also seem to be getting more and more impatient, which is kinda shocking, since I’ve never been the most patient of girls. I’ve been feeling more and more annoyed every day at people around me – which is just awful. I get so annoyed at people who just sit around on their arses waiting for life to happen…when, in reality, what others do is absolutely none of my damn business …who died and left me in charge? Nobody, that’s who. I’m frustrated with myself – for feeling frustrated with others. If I had a dime for every person who sat around and bitched about their lot in life but did not a friggin thing to change it – we’d be having this chat in Bali right now. I don’t get folks who don’t walk the walk, if you know what I mean. Grr. But the fact remains that what they do is not my concern. Why can’t I learn that?

Another reason I’m an asshole? I get really jealous of some people, which is never a good thing. I need to focus on just doing me, and let them do them…and stop coveting that which I don’t have. Case in point: I was walking through Lowe’s this morning, and found myself overwhelmed with envy, sadness, and depression because I was an island all alone in a sea of couples planning things for their homes. How stupid is it to feel jealous and sad of strangers that you see at Lowe’s? Really stupid, I know. Yet, there I was, feeling insecure and pathetic – when, in reality, I bet that some of those couples weren’t as happy and loved up as they appeared to be. There was probably a fair share of bitching and arguing going on…and maybe some of those people were envying me and the fact that I didn’t have to debate and argue with anyone about my purchases…I was master of my own domain, literally. Isn’t it funny how perception and appearances can be so impactful, yet so deceiving?
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I need a break. I think I’m just overworked and over tired. I also could do with giving myself a break. I don’t generally allow myself much time to deal with things that happen around me – I just forge on, always trying to keep moving…because I have always thought that if I kept moving, I wouldn’t have to deal with the realities of life. Perhaps it’s time for me to slow down a bit, to stop running and finally address some of the underlying causes of my assholitis. It’d probably make life a whole lot better for anyone who has to put up with me on the regular…and I think I would be much happier not being an asshole all the time.
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Does anyone actually like assholes? Not likely. I found this article online – What To Do When You’re An Asshole – perhaps I will find some guidance here:

I’m a bit of an asshole and by that, I mean I’m a pretty big asshole. It’s a problem I’ve been trying to deal with for some time now, but it’s proving to be hard to shake. My sarcastic responses are deeply rooted, years of self-protective reflexes have led me to go for the jugular and I tend to be pretty impulsive, which doesn’t help matters much. I’ve been trying to watch what I say and be mindful of how I come off, yet no matter how hard I try, and even though it’s rather large, my foot always manages to find its way to my mouthwith surprising ease.

An Asshole’s Options

So, what to do? Well, there’s the obvious answer… Stop being an asshole, but that really hasn’t worked out. It’s one of those easier said than done kind of things… So what does that leave? Well, you can just be okay with being an asshole, but honestly, I’m not. I wish I was one of those people who didn’t feel bad after I did something awful, but, annoyingly, my emotional awareness tends to catch up to my impulsive actions. You can find people who like assholes, and thankfully they exist, but sadly our appeal is not quite as great as we’d like to believe. So all that’s left is to accept that you’re an asshole, but still find ways to improve.

Where An Asshole Should Start

The temptation is to focus on diminishing the negative, on being less of an asshole, but I’ve found it to be an ineffective tactic. It turns out, at least for me, the better approach wasn’t to stop doing things that hurt others (although I’ll want to get around to that eventually). I’ve been far better off enhancing my positive qualities first before dealing with the abundant negative ones.

Even An Asshole Has Strengths

Chances are, if you’re one of the people who is actually aware of and worries about being an asshole, you have them. If you’re not worried, well, why the hell are you reading this? But I digress… Let these natural strengths lead the way. Emphasize what’s working for you and let that enhance your relationships. Don’t get me wrong, the whole asshole thing is far from acceptable, but if you’ve been one long enough, it isn’t all that easy to change. And frankly, since you’re an asshole, people will know when you’re faking.

Don’t Pretend You’re Not An Asshole

Don’t pretend to be nice; focus on enhancing the (likely few) areas of your life where you already are. One of the downsides (and occasional upside) to being an asshole is being fairly transparent, so a charade really isn’t going to help much of anything. However, this same vulnerability can be just the redeeming quality you need. Vulnerability is relatable… well, at least it is when you don’t use it as an excuse to cut someone else to shreds…

What Came First? The Chicken Or The Asshole?

Impulsivity and insensitivity come into play, but a big part of being an asshole is often just being defensive. It’s often all about self-protection, but more often than not, all that you end up doing is isolating yourself. Much as I tend to enjoy them, most people don’t like assholes. And when people don’t like an asshole… well, the asshole tends to become an even bigger asshole. It’s an annoying cycle for everyone, so just stop it already…

Lean on your (again, likely few) strengths; when you do, there tends to be far fewer reasons to put your negative instincts in the driver’s seat. By leading with the positive rather than indulging in the negative, you cut down on the need to lash out. When you see the difference this can make, you can’t help but take notice and find yourself wanting to be less of an asshole (or at least a little less of one). Let that build long enough and you might just start actively trying not to be one. It’s no easy feat, but it can often be a worthy one… trust me, I speak from experience here…

What do you think? Do you figure I can overcome my assholitis and get back to being a normal person, instead of the snide, petty, jealous smartass I’ve been lately? Time to focus on the positive… 🙂

Xxx

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