I’ve had such a busy, tumultuous few days…it’s hard to even know where to begin. Between last week’s Homecoming festivities and everything else that I usually have going on, I didn’t know if I was coming or going most of the time. That’s why I took a few minutes (okay – 54ish) yesterday to watch the second season finale of HBO’s “The Newsroom”. I’ve enjoyed the second season much more than I did the first, and I’ve found this year’s storylines to be so much more entertaining and engaging. Yaa! 🙂 There will probably be a whole lotta peeps out there who hated the finale this week – and to them I say “Suck it”. They will gripe about the episode being too cutesy, and pandering, and obnoxious, etc etc….and I couldn’t disagree more. If you haven’t seen it yet, you may wish to stop reading now or skip ahead, as there’s a spoiler coming. ***SPOILER ALERT: Will proposes to Mac, and she says yes!!! They tell everyone on staff!!! They finally admitted how much they still love each other!!! Will uttered the following (which pretty much brought this girl right here to her knees with its gorgeous perfection): “Let me just say, I think you should. I think you should say yes. But no matter what you say, there’s no chance I am ever gonna hurt you again. And no matter what you say, I am gonna be in love with you for the rest of my life. There’s no way out of that. That’s just a physical law of the universe. You own me. No matter what you say, I will never stop.” !!!!!!! I cried!!!! Everyone rejoiced and celebrated the happy occasion!!!! Champagne!!!!! And the song ‘Let My Love Open The Door’ played over the final scenes as my eyes started mysteriously leaking on to my face. It was one of those perfect moments, the kind that happen on TV and in the movies far more often than they happen in real life….but the kind that I absolutely believe in. Beautiful. 🙂 ***END OF SPOILER!!!
The idea and concept of “believe” has been coming up everywhere I look these days – and, while I’m not always one to see signs around me (unless they wallop me over the head – and even then I can still be kinda dense sometimes), even I can’t deny the presence of believe in my life. Recently, my dream job (one of them) came available – and, even though I love love LOVE what I do now, I applied. How could I not???! I’m a realist, so I didn’t expect to even get an interview – but I did. Amazing!!! I had the most beautiful personal recommendations you could ever imagine – awesome people calling up the woman doing the hiring, just to tell her how great they think I am. Isn’t that nuts????!! I didn’t ask them to do it, of course – but apparently they believe in me SO MUCH that they reached out on their own. Needless to say, I was totally blown away. I spoke with these people, expressed my doubts about the whole thing – the funny thing is that I have NO doubts whatsoever about my own competence in the position…I’d be great at it. I don’t mean that arrogantly, just being matter of fact. However, I am not a person who excels with interviews (she says in the understatement of the century), and so I didn’t even know if this was a good idea for me, since I was probably setting myself up for embarrassment. However, my own personal cheering squad rose to the occasion, helped me believe that perhaps I could get through this interview without wetting myself, or suffering crippling humiliation and permanent scarring brought on by shame…and so I went. Yesterday morning. And you know what? I actually didn’t do too badly at all. Are there things that I wish I had mentioned? Sure! Things I would have preferred had happened differently? Absolutely! However, for the first time in a very, very long time, I am not sitting here a day later, hating my stupid-ass self for being so dumb and blowing the entire thing – because I didn’t. Isn’t that freaking AMAZING???! I know!!!! 🙂 I don’t have a hot clue if I will be selected or not – but, truth be told, it doesn’t even matter at this point. What does matter is that I went over there, overcame my crippling self-doubts and fears, stared all of the ugliness of my past performances in the face, and did my best. That’s really all I could ever ask for, don’t you think? If I get the job, I will be overjoyed – this opportunity will mean the world to me professionally, and it will make a big difference for the rest of my life as well. If I don’t get the job, I will be disappointed, of course – but not with myself. That’s the most amazing part of the whole story! I am so perfectly happy with myself and how I did, that I have absolutely nothing to complain about. How magical is that???! 🙂 I’ve been thinking about what exactly went down to bring upon this massive shift in my attitude (and performance), and this is the best that I can come up with: when I was feeling low, like a big’ol loser…the good people around me believed in me and my abilities enough to build me up, to encourage me without blowing smoke up my skirt. Eventually, I started to feel positive, too…kind of like it was almost contagious! When they believed in me…it gave me the strength to start believing in myself. I will never be one of those super-slick people who are great at everything they do, who live under a charmed umbrella of leprechauns and good fortune – come on, that’s too unrealistic, even for me. The thing that I have taken away from all of this, though, is this: maybe learning to believe in myself isn’t such a bad thing…perhaps looking into the eyes of four interview panel members and telling them precisely why I am the right candidate for their vacancy is not the worst thing that could ever happen in the world (I did it yesterday, and I didn’t turn in to a pumpkin – whee!)…and maybe acting like a person who is entitled to some good things would actually bring upon more good things. I have just as much of a right to experience the great things in life as anyone else – I only need to believe. I’m not all the way there – but I certainly feel like yesterday, when I was able to keep it together enough to walk out of that interview with my head held high, was absolutely a start. I believe. 🙂
Last night, when I was laying in bed about to go to sleep (let me rephrase that – when I was about to embark on the epic adventure that is falling asleep…fun with insomnia continues, folks), I decided to take one more look at Instagram. I came across a picture of a bracelet from a place called Junk Jewels – it was an affirmation ring charm on an elasticized friendship bracelet…nothing fancy or expensive, but guess what was written on the affirmation charm? Believe. 🙂
I ordered two. 🙂