Islands in the Stream

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I’m crazy in love with Amanda deCadenet – she is everything I want to grow up to be (even though we are nearly the same age). I think that she’s an extremely smart, beautiful woman who has forged her own path in this world – and I need to follow her lead somehow, because girlfriend has got it going on. 🙂

I’ve written about Amanda before – I loved her show “In Conversation”, both the TV and online versions. However,  Amanda wrote a piece for XOJane today that pretty much pushed me over the edge of love and fondness for her to straight up worship. The piece is about loving her boobs – now, before you think I’ve lost my marbles and call for a drug test, let me explain. I have a complicated relationship with my rack as well. Most days I wish to be a member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee – it would make shopping easier (and cheaper – do you know how expensive it is to buy adequate bras for honkers like mine???!! Yikes!!!), clothes would fit better, and people wouldn’t take one look at me and think I must be a stupid broad/ho based solely upon the size of my funbags. Some days, however (oddly enough today was one of them – the girls were looking F-I-N-E today), I don’t mind them…in fact, I kinda like seeing them peeking out at the world from the top of my v-neck shirt, screaming “Holla!” at whoever is in a 50′ radius of me. This positive acceptance of myself is, sadly, rather fleeting…and I’m fairly certain that I will hate the damn things again before the week is through. One of the hardest thing for me to accept is the choosing what to wear thing: if I choose something high-necked, I make my way through the world looking as if I have two rabbits fighting for survival on the front of me…it’s ridiculous. The more flattering looks for me are v-necked, or scoop-necked, or anything that’s somewhat lower…but then I straddle the line between socially acceptable and pornstar on a runaway in the regular world. If I bend over most days at work, I need to look around and hope to Christ that no one is within my line of vision or they will get a sight that may change their lives and not necessarily for the better…it’s a constant battle. Constant. 😦

Amanda discussed the issues she has with dressing her boobs today – she said this about her body: “Most of the time, I like my body. I have what is considered by some an “enviable” figure. Big boobs, small-ish waist and a decent-sized bum. “Hourglass,” ”curvy,” “womanly,” “pin-up” body. But the reality is that finding clothes that fit my shape is a full-time job. My boob size puts me into the category of plus size, whereas the rest of me is in the “normal size” range.” With the exception of the decent-sized bum (mine runs on the big caboose side of life, sadly), this is ME – I’ve been described as hourglass, curvy, womanly, too…which is a great thing. (Note to self: do something and fast to get that bum down to decent-sized) However, Amanda is so right about the pain in the arse of dealing with sizes and clothes and how to find a balance that works for you. Grrr…it’s maddening!!! 😦
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Recently, someone whose opinion I value very much made a somewhat disparaging comment about my appearance, specifically about my weight. I could hardly speak at the time as I was throddled by a rush of emotions: anger, hurt, outrage, despair…it was just a ride aboard the unstable express. I addressed it later and made my feelings on the issue clear, but…you know what? The damage has been done. I can’t unhear what was said to me, any more than they can open their big mouths and unsay their words. I know precisely why the words hurt so much – it wasn’t because they were lying, as I know what they had to say was the truth…it was because I expect those that are closest to me to love me anyway, regardless of what size I am, to understand my struggles, and to be supportive rather than critical. In that moment, I felt that I wasn’t loved…and, frankly, I still haven’t got past that hurt – and I’m not sure when, if ever, I will. I’m not ever going to be a skinny girl, and I’m okay with that – but I’m not some gigantic being that needs a crane to lift my massive arse out of my house, either. I am what I am, my weight goes up and down, and I think I’m pretty much like most every other woman out there. I like food, I love eating, and I hate feeling like I need to starve myself to fit into some idealized version of what I am supposed to be. First – that’s seriously messed up thinking…and second, I lack willpower, so…there’s that. But sadly, I probably had better give it a try, because, clearly, how I am at the moment doesn’t feel good enough. 😦

A month ago, I wrote this: “There have been many times when comments that people have made about my appearance have hurt my feelings – I’m human, and I get hurt just as much (if not more so – I’m a rather sensitive, delicate flower a lot of the time) as the next person. The only comments that hurt me are those that are made by people who I care about, and the ones that are supposed to love me but still think it’s okay to criticize my appearance are the absolute worst. I don’t know why some people feel that this kind of talk is okay – it most certainly is not. When I look at the people that I care about, I don’t see their imperfections and shortcomings and things about them that I wish were different – because, to me, those don’t exist. What I see is a beautiful heart, a kind soul, and a gorgeous mind – and I honestly believe that every word out of my mouth to them needs to reflect those sentiments. They don’t need to hear anything negative out of me – just like I don’t need to hear anything out of them. Here’s the thing – I have eyes, I can see myself, and I know what I am. I don’t need someone to remind me that my arse could be littler. I already know that. And if someone is going to judge me and deprive themself of my very awesome company because the size of my arse is somehow offensive to them – well then I hope the door doesn’t hit them in their arse on the way out. That kind of attitude is neither needed or appreciated – and I don’t have time for it. I’m simply too busy being fabulous. 😉 ” I wish that I felt this kick-ass and powerful today…but sadly I do not. However, if I felt it once, I may feel it again – here’s hoping for tomorrow. 🙂

I wish that I could embrace myself the way that Amanda does, and although she acknowledges feeling shitty about her body from time to time, most of the time she is okay with it – probably because she is a kick-ass beautiful woman who has so much going for her that taking time to worry about wee things like one’s ass isn’t even a remote possibility, but also because she is surrounded by people who love her just as she is. I wish she’d share her secrets…not to mention the names of the designers of her bras, because her boobs are always magnificently perky. 🙂

I heart her big time. 🙂 If you don’t know her that well yet, you need to. She’s great. 🙂

xxx

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