The media this week has been acting like a collective bunch of bitches if you ask me – I am referring to the fact that they were snide and all up in arms about Keanu Reeves, his appearance at Cannes, and the weight he has gained. Can I get you to all join me in a resounding chorus of…
Leave the man alone! He’s 48 years old! He’s not appearing in action movies at the moment! He’s human and he’s living life!! WTF, people?!??!?! It’s disgusting that they choose to sit around and speculate about someone’s weight WHEN IT’S NONE OF THEIR DAMN BUSINESS!!! However, a small part of me is kind of elated about the whole thing because, for once, it’s not about a woman. Isn’t that refreshing, amazing, and kind of awesome??! (that totally sounds like a slogan for Coconut Water – hey Zico, go ahead and use it, if you want…I will share the trademark with you for a free lifetime supply of your gorgeous liquid gold! Have your peeps call my peeps – we’ll talk!) We are constantly subjected to reports about every woman in the world, her weight gain/loss, the width of her arse and how that will affect the world forevermore…but we rarely hear it about men. Disgusting double standard, don’t you think? Now, I am by no means suggesting that we all get on board and start chatting about Kevin James and his weight fluctuations, or any other man’s either, because IT IS NONE OF OUR BUSINESS!!! I’ve said it before, and I will continue saying it until the cows come lowing home (I love that expression, and once – just once – I would like to look out my window and see a cow go lowing by) (sorry, I digress)…THE WIDTH OF THE ARSES OF OTHERS ARE NOBODY’S BUSINESS!! Say it with me: THE WIDTH OF THE ARSES OF OTHERS ARE NOBODY’S BUSINESS!! Feels good, doesn’t it? 😀
It’s not often that you will hear me defending Kim Kardashian (my loathing for her runs deep), but the media has been merciless towards her in their coverage of her pregnancy. Part of it is her fault (she has bypassed maternity clothes shopping, it seems…preferring instead to purchase her wares from the Big and Tall Whore Store) – if she would dress sensibly for her pregnancy, I bet the media would go a little easier on her (maybe). However, she insists on wearing things that are too tight, too small, too high-heeled, too stripper-ish, too much resembling your grandmother’s ugly old couch…just ‘too’ everything. It’s tragic…and girlfriend can so afford better, too. It’s too bad she can’t take a page out of the Kate Middleton Guide to Pregnancy and show some class – actually, I just remembered that this is Kim Kardashian we are speaking of, so…never mind. Anyway – my point is not her fashion (which is straight-up ridic), but the fact that the media has been all over how much weight she’s gained. SHE’S PREGNANT!! UP THE DUFF!!! KNOCKED UP!!! Leave her alone!!!! If you want to gain 70 lbs, go on with your bad self and your bag of donuts, friend…that’s your business. You grow your baby the way you want to – it’s all good! Shame on the media, though, for discussing her weight like that – it’s gross, and let’s all remember…it’s nobody’s damn business!!!
This business with Keanu Reeves irritated me on many levels – 1) there was a severe tragedy in Oklahoma this week, and the media should spend their time focusing on how the rest of us can help those affected by these horrific events – and not on the ‘are they or aren’t they jowls’-debate…it’s just ludicrous; 2) he’s not out there trying to pimp himself out for a remake of “The Matrix” or “Point Break”…who cares what his bod looks like? (for the record – I’d still tap that) 3) he’s older than he was when he made those movies – and guess what, bodies change as they get older…the dude is human, leave him the hell alone; and finally 4) I have adored Keanu since he stole my heart in “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure” (to this day I would be perfectly fine with being Mrs. Ted Theodore Logan for the rest of my days – I think that Ted and I could have lived very happily ever after), I met him twice (during his run as Hamlet in the Manitoba Theatre Center’s production of the Shakespeare classic) and found him to be so lovely and friendly and warm (and not at all aloof, the way people have often described him)…and once I decide that I like somebody, that’s it. I like ’em. Shame on the media for being such petty little bitches – when will they use their influence for good and not evil???! Here are a few of the headlines that made the rounds:
The Sun‘s headline: “Reeve Off the Grub? Bloated Keanu’s Shock Weight Gain.” In the article, they used words like “bloated”, “double chin”, “aged”, “paunch”…huh????!
Yahoo UK said that he cut a “somewhat fuller figure.”
Us Weekly‘s brilliantly wrote that he looked “quite different from the slim-hipped looker he was a decade ago.” Are you friggin’ kidding me?!?!??!!?! Who doesn’t?????!! (I personally would cut a bitch to be as thin as I was when “Speed” came out!)
People can be real assholes sometimes, eh? Jerks. Do me a favor? Don’t purchase any of the rag magazines that spew this kind of garbage on the front – if you need your trashy celeb gossip, hit up the Internet and save your pennies…let’s do our part to stop this madness. 🙂
PS: If you want to help with the situation in Oklahoma, please contact the Red Cross 🙂