Madness

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What makes you mad? Do you have a quick and fiery temper, or are you pretty laid back about most things? Does it take a lot to get you riled? I don’t get mad terribly often, and when I do, it generally blows over rather quickly. Generally.

I’ve been pretty damn irritated about some things lately, and I’ve let them affect my life in general. I’ve been disappointed with some people and the careless, thoughtless ways that they do things. Crappy things, like being negligent and not taking care of stuff that is their responsibility. That shit irritates me. I also get damn annoyed when people aren’t straight with me, preferring instead to take the weasel-y way out of things by blowing smoke up my arse…I may pretend to believe the lies and act all sympathetic, but I’m only trying to let the liars save face, for I see right through the curtain of bullshit. I truly despise it when people think I’m stupid and underestimate me.

I get annoyed and upset when people are mean, when they go out of their way to be cruel. Some people seem to take tremendous delight in hurting those around them, even when they have done nothing wrong but be kind and considerate and sweet. There is no skill in kicking the innocent, and I wonder how those people sleep at night knowing what shitbags they’ve been.

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I – like pretty much everyone – get cross when things don’t go my way. And, since this is me we’re talking about, that happens pretty much all the damn time. I feel frustration that despite so many of my very best attempts, things still go wrong…and I can’t figure out why. I seem to be the common thread, therefore it must be something that I am doing wrong or not doing at all. I’ve tried every trick that I can for self-examination to determine exactly where it is that I am going wrong, but…so far, I can’t put my finger on it. I guess I will keep trying.

While Googling ways to get past anger, I have found some great things – some ludicrous and so hippie-dippie and stupid, and others that seem like a pretty decent plan of action. Here’s one of my favorites – a list of 15 Simple Ways to Overcome Anger:

1. Look Up!!!

2. “What Do You Want?”

3. Eliminate: Don’t, Not, No

4. Finding the Light

5. Surrender

6. Circle of Influence

7. Gratitude Exercise

8. Meditation

9. Breathing Relaxation Techniques

10. Laughter!

11. Forgiveness

12. Snap a Rubber Band

13. Identify and Eliminate Your Triggers

14. Identify What Anger Brings

15. Seek Closure. Solve the Problem

 

Okay – there are a number of things on this list that have absolutely no practical relevance for me…logically, I do understand the benefits of relaxation breathing techniques and I’m sure that they are great, but…when I try to do that, I do them wrong and nearly pass out. (I did make myself faint in yoga once…those breathing things in some classes are friggin’ hard core) However, there are some great things here – when things suck, try to find the bright spots and focus on those…I’ve been really trying to do that. Case in point: on Friday afternoon, a woman at work who frequently vexes my spirit with her general stupidity and uselessness was in my hallway – I heard her, and I knew she was coming for me. I thought quickly, and realized that listening to her spew her negative shit on a Friday afternoon was going to serve no purpose other than to piss me off and put a damper on my weekend, so I was proactive, and I headed her off at the pass: basically, I disappeared so that she couldn’t find me and darken my pretty day with her bad attitude. Yes, I did hide under my desk for a few minutes until she left my department, but…no judgment, please. I found the light – the bright spot and the lesson there was getting the hell out of her way so that I didn’t have to be part of her pity party. Yaaa me! 🙂

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Figuring out exactly what you want out of situations is really profound, don’t you think? I know that when I really contemplate this one, I find that what I really want is often completely the opposite of what I think I want. Everybody wants the basics of life: to be loved, to be treasured, to have their loved ones pay attention to them, to be adored, etc…who doesn’t want that? 🙂 But, when exploring deep within your soul to find out your basest desires, you may be surprised what it is that you find: you may want someone who will challenge you to become a better person, or you may want to feel the rawest emotions that life has to offer in order to truly appreciate the good and beautiful things around you. When I think of all of the things that I really want in life, my list is pretty simple and straightforward: I want to reach new heights in my career that will allow me to not only provide a comfortable life for my Wee One and I, but I want to make the lives of those around me – and the state of education – better simply because I am here and doing what I do; I want a happy home life, one that is full of love and joy and good times, and not the constant strife of hardship; I want to find more time to pursue the things that I love – reading, writing, kayaking, music, movies, etc…; and, finally, I want to travel more, because there is so much to be seen in the big ol’ beautiful world around me…and I want to suck up every experience that I can. Think hard and tell me, friends…what is it that you really want? (and if one of you jackasses posts a comment that says that what you really, really want is a ‘zigazig-ah’ – we’re going to have us a problem, friends 😉 )

I wish I was a person that could meditate and find peace, but…sadly, for this girl, that ain’t happening. I park my arse in a quiet place, try to center myself, and the following internal dialogue transpires: holy shit this mat is uncomfortable on my arse! you’d think that with all the padding on said arse that it wouldn’t hurt to sit like that! I think I oughta move! Oh, look – there’s the hair clip that the cats knocked off the dresser last week, yaa! stupid cats! I hate putting laundry away…do they have people that you could hire to do that?! I need to hang a mini-chandelier in the Wee One’s room! And I want to put a new shower head up in my shower – is there a how-to video on YouTube for that? Ahh….YouTube…surely it must be time for some sneezing kitten videos! Squirrel! How do you find someone to hire to come and fix the grout situation in a shower? Is that something that I can Google? Of course it is…Google has everything! I wish my last name was Google, that’d be fun. I wonder what I would change my name to if I could pick anything – hey, remember that episode of ‘Friends’ when Phoebe wants to change her name to Princess Consuela Bananahammock? That was awesome! I loved that show!  And this exercise in futility will continue until I decide to give up the whole meditation idea. I seriously don’t know what is wrong with my mind sometimes.

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I know people who swear by the idea of using affirmations – and I’ve been wanting to give this a shot. I’m not one of those gals who would ever be able to look in the mirror, smile at myself and loudly declare that I was good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it people like me…I would probably try once, and then laugh so hard that I would end up snorting. However, I’ve been attempting this in a sneaky way: I’ve found a few quotes and positive statements that fill my heart with pink sparkly joy when I read them – so I’ve been putting them everywhere: all throughout my beloved notebooks that are in my purse (that make it weigh a ton and everyone laughs at me for always carrying notebooks with me), on the wall in my office, on my fridge…everywhere that I will possibly see them in a day. I don’t know if they are going to completely change my mindset and make my life 110% better, but…they can’t hurt, right? Take a look at this:
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This is clipped out of a People magazine article about actress Valerie Harper, who is suffering from terminal cancer – I figure that this is a woman who clearly knows what she needs to know as she’s facing the end of her days…this is a person whose advice on living is worth listening to. I have this hanging on my fridge, and I see it throughout the day – the part that gets me the most is that the best day has always been this one. I need to learn how to make that my guiding philosophy, too. 🙂 Sheryl Crow sings in her awesome song “Soak Up The Sun” that ‘It’s not having what you want / It’s wanting what you’ve got’  – I think that if I am ever able to master this concept, then I will truly find peace and happiness, and I bet that 99% of my irritation will dissipate. Any ideas on how to make this happen? Until we can come up with something, if you need me – I’ll be under my desk. 😉

xxx

 

PS: Lest you think I am an angry person with rage issues – I am so not. I am generally really happy, and I treasure and value positivity and goodness so much. 🙂 I just get down sometimes with all of the negativity around me…I care too much about others. I think I will start by working on that. 🙂

 

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