I’m a tryer, and I’m never a half-asser. When I care about something or someone, I try really bloody hard, and I will do pretty much anything to do right by that situation/person. I am always (always) the one that makes the effort, that calls/texts/writes, that reaches out to say hi…and it’s bloody exhausting. I do it because people matter to me, and I know how it feels to be forgotten, ignored, and avoided – and I would hate for someone else to feel that way. However, I don’t understand something: why do I care so much about the feelings of others when so many of them aren’t terribly concerned with me and how I am? Why do I try so hard? What does this say about me?
I read an article online about this concept of trying too hard – here are some excerpts:
Having someone special to love and be loved by is one of our most basic human needs. For some of us, the need for love feels just as essential as our need for oxygen…We want it so much, but love doesn’t always come easy…We try to make relationships work for a number of reasons. Many of us have been deeply wounded and are trying desperately to get the love and attention we’ve never received. Those of us who don’t know any better fail to recognize the red flags that would alert us to potential dangers and because of that we fall into the trap of becoming attached to someone who is unavailable…We keep trying to fix the relationship or make it right, but the person we’re trying to maintain a connection with continues to do things that keep adding to the hurt and that only deepens our emotional wounds.
We’re trying to make a relationship work anytime we chase after another person. We keep calling or emailing even when they don’t respond. We tolerate and even justify their lack of interest…We try so hard to convince the person whose love we so desperately desire to be with us. But all of these things only make us less attractive in their eyes. In some instances, we keep on trying until the person we’re longing for eventually does something hurtful just to be mean or to finally get rid of us.
There will be times when our efforts to connect with another person are not working and we may then we find ourselves experiencing all kinds of painful emotions. Many of us keep trying harder to make things work. We need to be willing to let go if the other person doesn’t return our calls, respond to our emails or is being hurtful.
Flakiness is also the result of people’s unwillingness to experience their true feelings and face their issues. Parts of the self fail to grow or mature when people go through their lives avoiding the feelings and issues that they don’t want to deal with. People who shut down or fragment emotionally lose touch with themselves. These fragmented parts of the self tend to become very incongruent and that’s why many people don’t know what they truly want or need. People who are not being present to themselves cannot be truly present for anyone else.The incongruencies we encounter in others can make it very difficult for us to know where people are coming from or what their intentions are. People say they will call or meet up with us and then they don’t. We start to form attachments with someone we have spent time with and they just disappear. Those of us who truly want to connect often reach out in our attempt to maintain the connection. It’s okay to reach out a time or two, but we also need to be willing to let go when someone doesn’t respond to an email or answer a phone call.
I know it’s kind of New Age-y and probably a bit too hippie-ish for me to really get on board with, but there is some truth there. It is great to reach out to those around us, to try to build connections and relationships and forge bonds with our fellow man (and woman, haha)…but there comes a time when we need to say enough. Relationships with other people exist because of the back-and-forth between them, and when there is no reciprocity, no back and forth (it’s either all back or all forth, if you know what I mean), then there is no relationship. All that remains is one person who really cares and is trying, and one who doesn’t much give a shit. And that is sad. It’s hard to know when you’ve done all that you can and it’s time to let go, but…that time certainly does come. How do you know when it is that time, though? I wish I knew the answer to that one – I never seem to know when it’s time to go. I fear that I’m like that girl that is still dancing by herself in the middle of the dance floor at the end of the party – you know the one who should have gone home hours ago? Yeah, her. I wonder if that is me. Hmm….
Anyway – if you are like me, the one who tries really hard…hang in there, friend. Keep on being your magnificent self, and someday we will find people and friends who do appreciate our efforts. 🙂 I promise. 🙂 If you are a person who is presently trying to avoid and ignore someone in the hopes that they will go away – be nice, be kind and thoughtful in your words and actions…and don’t hurt those around you who just want to care about you and be part of your life. I’m telling you – they mean well. So, be kind. After all, we’re all just trying our best. 🙂