This will come as a tremendous shock to any of you who read ‘Pretty Thing’ on a regular basis, and an even bigger surprise to those of you who know me in real life, but…I frequently have a hard time saying what I want to say. I get tongue-tied, I can’t find the words that I need to adequately express myself (which, if you think about it, is kinda disgusting because I LOVE words), and I’m frequently afraid to speak my mind, so…I say nothing. I kinda hate that about myself and really need to find a way to get over it. For example, oftentimes when people do me wrong (which happens a whole hell of a lot more than I wish it did, let me tell you), I will fume inside, letting my upset fester…and say nothing. I hesitate to tell people that what they’ve done is wrong, I won’t tell them that their behavior is nothing short of douchebaggery, and I will rarely explain to them exactly how their shitty actions have made me feel. And I don’t know why. The oddest part is that the more I care about a person, the less inclined I am to say something – it’s dumb. I have no hesitations to give someone high holy hell when they mess up at work (case in point: when a whole bunch of things went wrong at work last Friday and people started lying about it, I didn’t hesitate to light in to them about their bullshitting and tear an absolute strip off them for being liar-liar-pants on fires – I did apologize afterwards, but I didn’t feel terribly regretful about it), however it is such a different story in my personal life. I’m such a friggin’ patsy sometimes that people will do shitty things to me, and I will turn it around, take responsibility, and apologize. Seriously…WTF is wrong with me??! I fail to see the logic in that. Anyway, the long and the short of it is this – this stupidity of mine has left me with a gigantic list of things that I’ve left unsaid over the years, and I have decided that there’s no time like the present to begin clearing that stuff up. It may have been left unsaid, but no longer shall it remain unwritten. 🙂 Here we go! 🙂
1) I hate hate HATE it when people mispronounce my name – it’s LEANNA, not Leanne. It’s a pretty straightforward name, rhymes with banana, and only has six letters. There is absolutely no damn reason in today’s day and age when far more complicated names exist (you know who you are, Shaniqua, Abcd, Le-A, and Oranjello) that I should STILL have to correct people (some of who have known me for 30+ years!) on how to say my damn name. Get it right, people – it’s rude when you don’t.
2) I have broken up with boyfriends over the years in some seriously shitty ways – and I regret that. A few of them (obviously not very serious ones), I just stopped calling, didn’t return their messages, and hid in my bedroom when they showed up at the door (’cause that’s not friggin’ weird or immature in the least, right?). Some of them I fabricated some seriously outrageous reasons for why we couldn’t continue being together including the standards like extreme differences in religious philosophies, ambitions, educational backgrounds, and the one prize fighter that I had to get rid of because – even though he was as sweet as the day is long and adored me with more fervor than I’ve ever experienced since – he had absolutely no common sense and was dumb as shit, so…that was that. Shame – he and I probably would have made lovely babies. 😉 Anyway…I have gone to extreme measures over the years to avoid having awkward conversations and being straightforward about matters of the heart, when, truth be told, if someone had the audacity to do that kind of crap to me, I would go NUTS!!! 😦 I’m pretty ashamed of myself for this one – I know better, but I haven’t always done better. To any of these people that I’ve mentioned directly or alluded to – I am sorry…it wasn’t you, it was me. For real. And I am sorry. You deserved better, and I sincerely hope you’ve found it. 🙂
3) I do plenty of things that I don’t like doing – I’m pretty sure that you do, too. We all do – that’s called life. However, I have let myself be coerced into doing a LOT of things that I deeply regret, because I lacked the strength to say no…which totally sucks. I’m not talking about the time my friend Angie insisted that I eat raw rhubarb straight out of the ground (still had dirt on it) because if I didn’t, then that meant that I liked a boy named Glen – he was a perfectly lovely boy, but I so wasn’t in love with him…so I ate the rhubarb. And was sicker than a dog for a good 24 hours. Instead of refusing with a rousing ‘hell no!’, my stupid ass ate the rhubarb, had side-splitting tummy cramps and the trots for a day, and she still teased me that I had the hots for Glen. Grr. (this is also how she persuaded me to eat Tender Vittles. I wish I was kidding.) For whatever reason, a lot of the boys in my hometown thought that it was perfectly acceptable to grope my boobs all the time – I will admit to having some pretty splendid tatas hiding beneath my dress (really! you should see them! 😉 ), but that absolutely did not give anyone the right to grab on and start twisting. I swatted their hands away halfheartedly, but didn’t do what I should have done: knee them in the knackers, slap them square across the face and tell them to fuck right off. That’s totally what I should have done – but I didn’t…and I’m annoyed at myself for that. I know better. I just am always so leery about rocking the boat, so I just shut up and go along with things. It’s dumb. It has improved slightly as I’ve gotten older, but I still find myself going along with things, even when I don’t want to. It’s probably because I’m such a chronic people pleaser, and that I live in constant fear of rejection if I assert myself and just say no, but…perhaps I need to learn to embrace rejection. It’s not so bad, right? 🙂
4) I hide behind things and don’t always speak the truth about stuff. This stems from a lack of bravery (which is rich, coming from me – when you examine the twisted and winding path my life has taken, I’m one seriously brave soul…about some things), which is ridiculous. Let’s look at an example of one of the bravest things a human being has ever done: my beloved Mandy Stadtmiller, writer and person extraordinaire (I think she’s my spirit animal – either that, or we are long-lost separated-at-birth soul sisters from a different mister) wrote this piece on XOJane yesterday. WARNING: If you are a dude, you’re probably not going to want to read it as it is pretty foul…and ladies, you are going to lay an egg you will be laughing so bloody hard (pun intended) in the most awkward, uncomfortable, embarrassed-for-her way that you can possibly imagine. I can’t fathom having the courage to admit a story like this – I just can’t – but my sweet, beloved Mandy…she just goes on with her bad self and says it like it is. I have tons of stories that I would like to share with the world that, while humiliating as hell for me, would be chock-full of educational value for the rest of the world (but none like this friggin’ whopper of Mandy’s, thank god) – but I’m far too afraid. I think that a large portion of my fear comes from the fact that I work in Education and considering the sad state of educaitonal funding these days, districts are always looking for excuses to fire someone – and me putting my true identity out to the world along with the story of lessons learned the night I got so smashed that I napped near some gas pumps in small-town Canada would undoubtedly provide an excellent excuse. However, there’s more to it than that. There are very few people who know the ‘real’ me (I can count them on one hand with a finger or two to spare, come to think of it), and I shudder to think of how others may judge me if they knew some of my more unusual experiences. I don’t regret those experiences one bit – each and every one of them (stupid though many of them may be) contributed to the state of me today…and that’s not so bad, is it? 😉
5) I do things excessively – I somehow have missed the moderation gene. When I like something, I don’t just like it I LOOOOOOOOVE IT!! I have yet to master the art of drinking in moderation – I am not an alcoholic, but I have certainly been known to tip back a few…and I sometimes miss on finding the sweet spot (you know, the spot where you can drink enough to be buzzed and having a big ol’ time but not so intoxicated that you take your panties off, twirl them around in the air as you go-go dance on a table…yes, it’s happened. Don’t ask.). Smoking has tormented me over the years (my problem always was that I didn’t give two shits how bad it was for your health…I thought they were yummy. I’m gross, yes, I know. Don’t judge.), and don’t even get me started on how I feel about food. I tend to love things excessively, and I don’t get the idea of moderation. In some ways, this is a hell of a great trait to have: it means that when I love, I love big…it means that I am passionate as hell about life and everything that it has to offer – however, it also means that when my heart is hurt it big, too. I imagine there are worse traits to have in life, but…still. I envy those people who make their way through life all even-keeled and fabulous – it’s like I’m missing that gene, and I simply don’t know where it went. If you happen to have been an unwitting victim of my excesses – I’m really, really sorry about that, too. I meant well, I promise.
So…there’s five things off the list! Only about 93 left to go! 🙂 Oh well…it’s a start. 🙂 These are things that have been left unsaid for far too long…but at least they are no longer unwritten. 🙂