I had a terribly unsettling experience on Friday afternoon at work, and it has taken me until now to process it…and I’m fairly certain that I still don’t understand my reaction. I was sitting at my desk working when some of my coworkers started having a conversation in the hallway just outside my door. I couldn’t help but overhear what they were talking about – I don’t really think they were really trying to be secretive, since they were right outside my open office door. These three women started talking about cell phones, and how one had recently got a new phone. They continued talking, and I heard the following: “I came home from work yesterday, and my husband surprised me with this new phone! I love it! I didn’t have to go to the store, research phones and plans…nada! He knew I was so busy that he took care of it for me! So nice!” As the others asked a few more questions about the phone, the she continued telling them about the rest of the things her sweet husband had done for her recently (we’ve all been so busy at work lately that we barely have time to get ourselves dressed and to work each day – nobody has time to do the bits of extra stuff that clutter up our lives): service work on her car, booked her a spa day complete with massage and facial, delivered a hot lunch to her at work, and hired them a housekeeper. As the other women were ooh-ing and ah-ing, I completely stopped working and felt kind of frozen. I was overcome with the biggest feeling of immeasurable envy…I still can’t believe it. I hate hate HATE envying others like that…but it just sounded SO nice, having someone do stuff for you, and not stuff that they do so that they can get favors from you in the future (a lot of men out there will do nice things for women in the hopes of a BJ…don’t act surprised, you know it happens ALL the time), but nice stuff that they do because they care, they’ve got your back, they love you and want to make your life easier and happier. Doesn’t that just sound awesome??! 🙂 The thing that really surprised me was my reaction. What the hell was I thinking getting weepy at school, listening to someone talk about the good things in their life? It was more than a little ridiculous – and I can’t, for the life of me, explain my reaction. That’s the most unsettling part of all, as far as I’m concerned. I guess I was caught in a moment of weakness – it was nearing the end of the day, I was tired and anxious to get out of school and head out with my dear friends for what ended up being a great night…that must have been it. Yeah, that’s right…we’ll go with that. 😉
I’ve always prided myself on being fiercely independent, on being able to do everything, take care of everything, and be perfectly fine on my own. And I am fine…but in that moment, as I felt my stupid eyes welling up with tears in my office at work, I thought just how bloody nice it would be, for once, to have somebody take care of things for me. Just once. I’m not jealous of my friend at work, or of my other friends and their magical existences – in fact, I am over the moon happy to be surrounded by people who are full of joy and happiness – but sometimes, I long for that, too. It’s most likely my own fault that I don’t have it – my inability to accept anything other than what I believe is the best, my stubborn pride, my general pigheadedness, my ambition, my insecurities…I could list my faults for a hundred Sundays and still barely scratch the surface. Surely, though, some of those faults must be endearing and sweet in someone’s eyes, right?